This dating editor wants to kill the stigma of meeting online
If we're gonna swipe for love, let's at least be optimistic?
Hi, happy Friday :) Because lots of people like to talk about love and whatnot today, I thought we might talk about… modern dating. There is no manual for it! There is no, in my humble opinion, script for being particularly good or particularly bad at it. Who knows how to talk eloquently about dating…. at all?
Not me! So I talked to Elite Daily’s senior dating editor Hannah Orenstein about some casually burning questions. Hannah is also the author of two novels, most recently “Love at First Like,” which from the title you might infer involves the internet and romance. Hannah talked with us about dating online, the wide range of love that can exist in our lives, and recommended women’s media, including The Wedding Files at The Cut.
Thanks as always for reading, and I will let Hannah whisk us away.
<3, Natalie
Hannah Orenstein, senior dating editor at Elite Daily
On a beat like dating, which can be so specific to each person’s experience, where do you even begin? How do you make the writing accessible to everyone (and is that even possible)?
I wouldn't even try making every piece accessible to every person! We cover single life, dating, relationships, breakups, sex, sexuality, and more; I recognize that not every piece we publish is necessarily going to resonate with every reader. Dating content has to be specific — you have to meet the reader where they are. About half our readers are single and half are in relationships, so that means we get to tell a lot of different types of stories. That said, regardless of their relationship status, Elite Daily readers love to read about how astrology impacts their love life, like which zodiac signs can't help but reread texts from their ex and which zodiac signs are most likely to ghost after a hookup. Curiosity about astrology seems mostly universal right now.
Elite Daily’s dating coverage can range from personal stories to service pieces and cultural analysis or commentary, especially related to tech & social media. What kind of mix are you aiming for as an editor right now?
Every day, my team covers celebrity dating news, service pieces, and astrology stories as they relate to dating. We also have a monthly series called ILYSM that spotlights a cool couple who met on a dating app and asks them to share their love story in their own words. (A personal goal of mine is to kill the stigma of meeting online for good!) Beyond that, I like a fun mix of personal essays, reported features on new trends, and cultural commentary.
I’ve been thinking about this piece on why online dating is an existential nightmare forever, and Elite Daily has published so much on how new tech has changed modern dating. Looking ahead to the next decade, what do you think the biggest force shaping women’s dating experiences will be?
Here's the thing: Dating apps can be soul-sucking, exhausting, frustrating nightmares — I don't dispute that. But at this point, they've changed dating culture for good. It can be really challenging to organically meet people in real life, simply because people aren't primed to approach others in public the way they were in the past. So, considering where our dating culture is... my advice to single people would be to embrace the romance of dating apps. How unlikely and magical is it that two people might happen to swipe right at the same time and fall in love? Looking ahead to the next decade, I would love to see more excitement, fun, and optimism when it comes to dating apps.
On the flip side, I also see people craving ways to connect offline. Singles' mixers have been around forever, but I think they're due for a 2020s makeover. (Remember how the launch of dating apps took the concept of old-school dating sites and made them cool again for young people? I'm imagining the same thing for singles' mixers.) One contender in this space is a new company called Here/Now, which curates gatherings of single people in New York and LA.
Weird open debate... There’s a platitude that we can’t love others or be in relationships unless we love ourselves. I’m a cis hetero women, and I think a lot of how women might disproportionately strive to meet impossibly high standards while dating, compared to men. My roommate, however, just said the platitude emphasizes the importance of self-compassion while dating. As a dating editor with an audience of mostly women, how do you interpret it?
It comes down to how you interpret self-love. Do you need to "love yourself" by engaging in capitalism and diet culture (i.e. splurging on a blowout and a bikini wax or watching what you eat before a date)? Hell no. Not at all. But is it probably a good idea to love yourself by treating your mind and body with respect, doing the inner work to discover what your values are, and exploring the kind of relationship that would make you happiest? I'd say so! It might be true that those activities are often considered to be somewhat gendered — that women put in more effort in those ways than men do — but there are absolutely people of all genders who, as your roommate says, practice self-compassion while dating. I see self-love as understanding your worth and not lowering your standards. In other words, if you're putting in effort, you deserve to be with someone who puts in effort, too.
It feels like we’re in a cultural moment where we’re elevating the importance of love and relationships beyond romance—with friends, family, pets, self, and more. How do you consider all the ways love can exist in people’s lives when writing about dating?
I adore this question. I think this is happening because of the (much-needed) shift in our culture toward prioritizing mental health and taking care of ourselves in all aspects of our lives — not just in our romantic relationships. I especially see this elevation happening with people who are in their 20s and 30s who might have never dated without relying on dating apps and now, nearly a decade after the launch of Tinder, might be feeling incredibly burnt out from the search for romantic love. So, embracing and centering other types of love can be a very satisfying, meaningful experience.
Elite Daily's Experiences vertical does an amazing job covering friends, family, and pets; on Dating, we cover non-romantic love by publishing stories that celebrate singlehood and self-care. A few of my recent favorites include Griffin Wynne's essay about buying their own engagement ring to celebrate their lifelong commitment to loving themselves, Andrea Bartz's essay about her strategy for healing from breakups that ultimately helped her write and sell her (very successful!) novel, and Corinne Sullivan's feature on self-care practices that build confidence after a breakup.
What dating pieces that appeared in women’s media have you recently enjoyed/ would you recommend?
Jillian Anthony's Cruel Summer Book Club, a newsletter about heartbreak, grief, and healing, is a beautiful read! She writes with so much bravery, vulnerability, and strength.
I was completely fascinated by this New York Times piece on Molly Guy, called "What Happens When a Weddings Influencer Gets Divorced?" by Allie Jones. So much of our love lives are online these days, and this profile is a larger-than-life look at what happens when a public-facing relationship ends.
Kaitlin Menza's column for The Cut, The Wedding Files, is always absurdly lovely, but the most recent installment – "A Scientist and a Minister Walk Into A Furniture Store" — is breathtaking. Unless you are made of stone, you will probably cry softly at your desk while reading this.
If I can share a piece I recently published on Elite Daily, I loved Alexia LaFata's feature about why men tend to assume women want committed relationships, even when they're clearly only interested in casual hookups.
Quick rapid fire round… what is your favorite:
Date spot? Any wine bar with a good cheese plate.
Piece of dating advice? As soon as you've exchanged a handful of messages on a dating app, suggest meeting up IRL. Those first few early texts back and forth won't tell you much about your chemistry, but meeting in person absolutely will!
Never-fail outfit idea? A classic sweater and pants that make your butt look amazing.
more from women’s media
What Makes a First Date Outfit “Good”? (Man Repeller)
Can You Find Love in a Rideshare? (Glamour)
I Took Myself on the Best Date of my Life, Thanks to Shrill (The Cut)
No First Kiss? What to Know Before Your First Smooch (Teen Vogue)